Feeling kind of
dapper in my newest creation,
I stepped out for
a promenade.
Swinging my malacca umbrella
nonchalantly,
I went strolling down the boulevard.
Now I knew I was creating a
sensation
and giving the pedestrians a treat.
Why? Because children pointed
and people stared.
They had never seen open
-toed sneakers
with the cuticles painted.
But as I stepped into my town
and country jeep,
who do you think I meet?
Lady Sussex?
No. Countess Caritas?
No. Roosterhead McGinty?
Definitely not.
It was Elsie Peppapood, a society columnist.
I can visualize her daily column saying,
quote,
Seated at Pismo Beach Clam House
was Jimmy Durante.
Wearing a two -tone striped
her ringbone suit,
with the herring removed.
And in his nuts lapel,
was a red carnation for
a boutonniere.
And setting off his Winsdor tie,
was his tan reverse calfskin shoes.
Amongst the ten best -dressed men,
Durante is definitely number eleven.
Unquote.
As we greeted each other effusiously,
I took Miss Peppapoo by the arm.
While I complimented her on her attire,
My clothes I waited for her to admire,
And I waited, and I waited, and I waited,
And I waited, and I waited.
Why, the styles changed three times
while I was waiting.
Finally she said, Jimmy,
you don't belong,
You're all wrong.
In other words, I'm a fugitive,
A fugitive from Esquire.
What a blow!
Ignored, harassed,
shunned by those in the know.
At the best resorts,
they criticized my long underwear.
And, hint,
I should wear tailored precision shorts
with cross -ventilations. But what would
that get me?
Pneumonia.
Last summer,
I was invited down to Newport on a big yacht.
I came in my new baiting suit,
and what happened?
I was the subject of malicious gossip,
and the captain told me why.
You see, my trunks fitted all right,
but my halter kept slipping off my shoulder.
Now, was there any reason for the captain
to give each sailor an oar
And say, sorry, Mr. Durante,
you're not wanted.
The dinky will take you ashore.
How do you like that?
In one minute, I went from a lifted pinky
to a lowered dinky.
Me Durante the Delatante.
They claimed I should have worn
a double -breasted marine blue flannel
blazer with brass buttons,
white cricket -clawed slacks,
ribbon -shaped bow tie,
Nassau coconut straw hat with club band,
and white buckskin unlined shoes
with red rubber soles and heels,
and laces to match.
What the heck am I, a
man or a peacock?
That's why I'm a fugitive,
a fugitive from Esquire.
I'm just a shattered, I'm just a broken,
I'm just a shattered, broken fashion plate.