Tonart: Ab major
Verse 1
G
Gm
G
I love
TV.
Gm
I can't live without TV.
I watch everything.
G
F
I love infomercials, documentaries.
G
D
I love Discovery.
I don't know what it is.
G
They get me every time.
F
I just want to watch TV.
I'm like, I'm learning.
Gm
I didn't mean to learn.
G
You know what they get me
with every time, Loch Ness.
I don't even know why I care.
It's not like he's
coming to get us.
Every time,
searching for Loch Ness
C
next on Discovery.
G
Oh, fuck me, I can't leave.
And I know I'm gonna be disappointed.
Every show ends the same way.
Thanks for watching.
We didn't find shit,
but thanks for watching.
It was a two hour show,
and you said something scary was coming
up.
Maybe we'll find him next time.
You're not gonna fucking find
him
next time either.
Why'd you have a new show
if you haven't made any goddamn progress?
You know you're not gonna find him.
It's the same thing every
time.
It's just four different
dudes in a boat going
Yeah, he's not over here
either.
I don't know where he is.
Hey, go get the grabber.
I think I got something.
C
I can't live without TV. TV.
Like my cable went out.
That's like being stuck on an island.
They don't care.
You call the cable company,
they don't care.
I'm like, yeah, I got fuzz.
Can you do something?
Well, we can't come out tonight.
G
between 10 a .m. Thursday.
You gonna be home?
Yeah, I'll probably be home.
That's not the point.
Then they start asking dumb questions,
like it's my fault.
Like you ever get on a phone
with customer service
and they ask you the dumbest shit possible?
F
Like I wouldn't have thought
of that
before I called and sat on hold for four hours was
G
listening to Holland Oates' Greatest Hits.
Is your TV plugged in?
I will fucking stab you, all
right, I swear to God.
Who unplugs the TV, ever?
You plug it in once
and it stays that way until you
move, all right, nobody unplugs the TV.
C
Oh yeah, I was gonna turn it off
with the remote control,
and I thought, nah,
G
I don't really trust that TV,
so yeah, I better cut
off his lifeline
before I go to sleep,
because I'm an idiot
and I like resetting a goddamn
menu every day.
Yeah, English channels, fuck.
Calm down, sir.
That's I always get.
Calm down, sir.
It's not an emergency.
Yeah, that's where you're wrong,
fucking Judy.
Alright, it is an emergency.
I don't have any TV.
It's not like the water.
I could live without stupid
fucking water for days.
I don't have any TV.
C
What if they find Loch Ness
G
and I'm not there? Right? I got bigger problems
than you realize.
It's a big deal, Judy.
And I can't fix anything.
I don't know how to fix anything.
I don't know if it's my generation or just me,
because we didn't have shop class.
I can't fix shit.
Like, when I was a kid,
my dad fixed everything.
He broke other shit in the process,
but he fixed it, you know?
Like he fixed my car,
yeah, I changed your brakes,
but you ain't got no windshield wipers now,
all right?
What the hell happened to my windshield wipers?
Don't fucking worry about it, all right?
Look, if it rains, take a rag, all right?
I needed a screw,
but you couldn't find a screw anywhere
except my windshield wipers?
Look, you ain't paying me enough to care.
I'm not paying you at all.
You're my dad, holy shit.
I hated when he would work on stuff,
you know?
Because I always had to be the gopher,
like, because I was the only son.
So I'd always have to help him.
I'd try to do anything to get out of that.
My mom would come and
G
find me.
Why don't you
go help your dad?
I'd rather try on dresses than help
him.
Because it's going to suck.
I know it's going to suck.
Maybe you can learn something.
I never learned anything
from helping my dad.
You know what I learned
from helping my dad?
I learned how to hold the light
in your fucking Yoda.
Wooh! Wooh! Wooh! Wooh! Wooh!
One time, you let me pick up a rinse,
one time.
He's like, here, you wanna do something
to loosen this boat?
And I'm like uh uh uh uh.
You can't get it, can you?
I'm like no, cause you're a pussy,
that's why.
I'm like, oh, I thought it was because I'm nine,
but all right, however you want to spin this.
That's the weird part.
That's what scares me about parenting.
I mean, I don't have kids
or any close prospects
of having kids anytime soon,
but you know, nobody teaches
you really how to parent.
Everybody figures out their own method,
you know?
My dad, it was, you know,
he just made you afraid to ask for shit.
You know, like you ever go on vacation with your family,
in the backseat.
Dad, can we stop?
I gotta pee.
Why didn't you pee
the last time I stopped?
Because it was yesterday.
That's why I didn't pee
the last time you stopped.
What the hell?
He's always fixing something,
you know? He always is.
You know, and it's the
thing.
It's like, you know, I don't,
I don't do anything.
He's always, it's always,
because he's cheap.
That's why.
You know? Like, I go home now.
You know? They still live in the same house I grew up
in.
You know? It's It's cold as fuck in
their house.
G
He still won't
let me touch the thermostat.
Like,
I don't know when it's cold.
G
F
Like, I go to turn it on, I'm like, whoa, whoa,
G
whoa, what are you doing?
Uh, shivering?
What do you think I'm doing?
It's cold.
Then he puts it on me.
Oh, sorry, Mr. California.
G
Got a little thin skin out there,
huh?
I'm like, it's on fucking seven.
All right, why is it on seven?
The refrigerator doesn't go to seven.
Why is it on seven?
I ain't paying to heat
the whole goddamn
neighborhood.
but you ain't eatin' no fuckin' living
room either.
Oh, it's cold.
I can see your breath right now.
Here's a 20.
Can I have heat while I'm here?
Jesus Christ.
You're gonna have to work someday.
That's what he always tells
me.
He still tells me that now.
You're gonna have to
work someday.
And that shit still hasn't
happened.
All right? Please. Thank Thank you.
Thank Thank Yeah.
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