Tonart: Ab major
Verse 1
Em
G
I've al ways wanted to be a
F#m
member of the Royal Fam ily.
G
I've always wanted to be part
of the Royal Family
F#m
G
because there are great
F
advantages to being Royal.
whatever you do is very interesting.
Whatever you do,
people are very interested in it.
Even if you do something very boring,
people are still very interested in it.
If a royal person does something
extremely boring,
people say, Oh, isn't it interesting
that he's doing
something extremely boring.
If I do something extremely boring,
F#
G
people say, Oh,
how extremely boring.
It's not so good.
You never get newspaper cuttings
about me.
You never see headlines saying,
C
G
E .L. Whistie was looking ra diant
C
as he got off the 17A bus
G
from Hounsdorne.
You don't see pictures saying E .L. Whistie
was looking tense but dignified
as he entered the municipal
baths.
You don't get that
sort of treatment.
And another wonderful
C
thing about being royal
G
is that people get interested in what you're
interested in.
That's how the corgis have caught on,
you see.
Everybody loves a corgi
because the royal people are connected
with them.
I think newts have had a very hard time.
If I was a royal person,
I think I'd patronise the
newts.
C
They're lovely little creatures,
They're not as cuddly as corgis,
of course.
C
G
You don't nestle up to a newt
as you would to a corgi,
but they're lovely things.
I'd have whole packs
of royal newts
wandering about the palace
gardens
and I'd be seen
F#
with them the whole time.
G
And I'd create a special post
called Royal Master of the Newts.
The Lord High Newter.
And he'd have to walk about with a golden stick,
you see,
tapping the ground continuously
F
G
and saying New Tarty, New Tarty.
Let the world bring forth newts
in abundance.
And then I think we see an end
to the corgis
in the beginning of the newts.
Of course there are disadvantages
in backwards you see.
That's a disadvantage.
They have to come in and go out backwards
if they're in the royal presence.
C
That's why you only see royalty
D
F
They can't dance
with ordinary people
G
unless they're back -to -back
with them, you see.
And that's never really caught on,
Bb
G
that sort of thing.
Of course, if you're royal,
it's wonderful to be able to
tell royal jokes.
That's very wonderful.
You always get a good laugh
if you tell a royal joke.
Am
G
I'd tell lots of royal jokes
if I was royal.
somebody gave me
G
a wonderful silver newt container,
a newt casket,
I'd say, thank you very much indeed
for this wonderful gift of a newt casket.
I hope it's not going to be
a bloody newtsons.
C
Oh, all of England would be chuckling if
And that's the point of royalty,
to make people a tiny bit happier
in this drab life.
We've all got royal blood in our
veins, you know.
It's the best place for it, in my view.
We've all got a little bit of royal
blood in our veins.
We're all in line for the succession.
And if 19 ,400 ,208 people die,
I'll be king tomorrow.
Eb
G
It's not very likely,
but it's a nice thought,
and helps keep you going.
I've always wanted to be an
expert on tadpoles.
I've always fancied being
a tadpole expert.
It's a wonderful life
if you become an expert -y tadpoleus,
as they're known in the trade.
You get invited out
to all the smart parties
and social gatherings.
When smart people are making out their list for the dinner parties,
they say, now who can we have to make up the ten?
A tadpole expert
would be very nice.
He could sit next to Lady Sonia.
And at all the smart functions,
Eb
people come up to you and say,
G
I hear you're a tadpole expert.
Tell me, what are tadpoles really like?
and lovely ladies invite
you back to their flat
A
G
and say, you know, I'm longing to hear
about your tadpoles.
LAUGHTER
Hang on a minute
while I slip into a Gossamer
trench coat.
LAUGHTER
I've tried over the years
to become a tadpole expert,
actually.
I've studied the tadpole
and attempted to learn everything about
them.
There isn't very much to learn,
actually. the main thing to learn
is that there are two kinds
of tadpoles.
There's the ones that turn into the frogs
and the ones that turn into the toads.
I call them the toadpole
and the frogpole.
Now the only way to
distinguish between the two
is that the toadpole tends
Em
to turn into a toad,
G
whereas the frogpole will
tend to turn into a frog.
But there's no way that I've
found
of predicting this.
Of course, tadpoles
are lovely little creatures,
aren't they? They're so good -natured,
and they have such lovely little smiles.
It's very hard to see their little smiles,
actually,
because they're black all over,
F#
and they have little black mouths.
G
D
And the insides of their mouth
So when they smile,
it's just a little black blob.
You can't really tell when
they're smiling.
They make lovely pets,
you know, tadpole, very faithful.
The only trouble is as soon as you get
to know them properly
and they start doing tricks and things
and they can answer to their name,
they turn into horrible toads and frogs.
I can't abide toads and frogs.
C
Horrible slimy creature
that go around eating flies
G
Bm
C
G
and laying their slime all over the place.
Such a pity when you think of the lovely
little tadpoles
wiggling about in the jar.
I used to keep tadpoles in a jar
by my bedside
A
G
A
when I was studying to be a
Lovely little things squiggling about.
G
That was until I had the tragedy.
I had a terrible tragedy.
I had three lovely little tadpoles
in my jar.
G
Deirdre, Margaret and Beryl.
They're lovely little things
and I switched the light out
last thing at night
and I must have had a very violent
dream
about Gossamer Trenchcoats
or something.
Because when I woke up in the morning,
there they were,
strewn all over my pillow,
all dried up like three little raisins.
I tried to revive them
by throwing water all over them,
but it was too late.
They just went into soggy little raisins.
Horrible,
soggy little black raisins.
Tragic business.
Deirdre was just getting her first legs too.
But I suppose it was all for the best.
They'd only have turned
into ghastly old toads
and frogs
in the end and left me.
It's rather a thankless life
being a tadpole expert.
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