Tonart: Ab major
Verse 1
Gm
This is addressed to all the people who answered
G
or may be thinking of answering
Gm
G
The personal ad I placed in volume 2, number 15 of
Gm
this newspaper two weeks ago Friday
G
Gm
F
First: my apologies to the huge bartender with the voice and the light- hearted, dark- skinned advertising man.
Verse 2
G
If either of you had called me back,
C
G
C
I might not be writing this retraction of my ad
F
G
Even though I will soon be too busy to date much,
Em
but why didn't you call back?
Gm
G
But to the others... which include the two terrifying
Verse 3
sisters
The under 18's and the over 60's
The numerous ones who dialed my number
and hung up as soon as I said "hello"
The 35 or 40 of you who
made dates with me and never showed up.
F
Including the one who complained his body was
G
F
so powerful he couldn't control it anymore
C
The desperate wife- seekers,
The one who was so one- sided
G
that he could think of nothing but sex
F
And then have the gall to ask me if his nation
C
F
G
ality was the reason I wouldn't sleep with him
F
C
Em
The many who couldn't get it up when I was agreeable and the many
G
who could and did when I was not
The pleasant young foreigner who turned out to be
the private property of his gigantic girlfriend
The ones who were so grot
F
esque in their appearance
G
That I couldn't possibly get past their faces to even consider
a relationship with them, especially sexual
The sharks, and the geeks,
and the sadists, the latter category which I had specifically stated I didn't want
And the ones who wanted endless dirty talk,
Em
the ones who wanted to be punished
G
The ones who could only boast about the size
F
of their bank- rolls and or their equipment
G
C
And this definitely in cludes the teacher
G
F
G
who said: "All the kids want my stuff"
F
G
The businessman who had an adjective for every letter of his last
The ones, and there were many,
G
who said: "my name is so and so, and so how far do you go"
The 300 pound lady
F
judge who screamed abuse at me
The transvestite who wanted me to support
him
G
The numerous young studs who had nothing to offer besides the
F
G
negative results of their goddamn blood tests
F
The diminutive actor and the other
short ones
The astronomer who cried like a baby and said he'd been betrayed
G
by every star he ever knew
F
The fanatic priest who wanted me to confess to
G
F
things I'd never even dreamed of
G
The worn out soldiers, the burned out
poets, the pumped up jocks and the used up kids
F
The racists, including the one at whose place I left
my white sweater
And I'd rather cut off my right thumb than go
back for it
Gm
F
The drunks, junkies, crack and coke- heads,
And especially the nice
ones who never called back!
Verse 4
To all of you I say: Just forget
my phone number
Gm
I don't need all the hassles
Verse 5
Gm
I'll be starting school next month and I just
don't want to be bothered
G
Don't hold your breath, any of you
Sincerely,
F
The underweight platinum blonde
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TunerE A D G B E
Akkorde & SongtexteGm G F C Em
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