Tonart: C major
Intro 1
C
Dm
Em
F
Gsus4
G
C
Am
G
Verse 1
C
Bb
There's travel in your future
C
when your tongue freezes
F
C
to the back of a speeding bus
Bb
Fill that void in your pathetic
C
life by playing Whack-A-
F
G
C
Mole 17 hours a day
Verse 2
Bb
PISCES! Try to avoid
F
C
with the Ebola virus
Bb
C
You are the true Lord of the Dance,
no matter what
F
G
those idiots at work say
Verse 3
G
ARIES!
C
Bb
The look on your face will be
C
priceless when you find
F
C
that 40-pound watermelon in your colon
Bb
C
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf,
then give a
F
G
hickey to Meryl Streep
Verse 4
Bb
You will never find true happiness
F
C
do, cry about it?
F
C
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up,
do a bunch
G
C
of stuff and then go back to sleep
Verse 5
Dm
That's your horoscope
Em
F
C
for today
Gsus4
That's your horo scope
G
C
Am
G
C
for today
Dm
That's your horoscope for
Em
F
C
Gsus4
today
G
That's your horoscope for
today
C
Verse 6
Am
G
GEMINI!
C
Bb
Your birthday party will be
C
ruined once again by your
C
Bb
Your love life will run into
F
G
hurls a javelin through your chest
Verse 7
G
CANCER!
C
Bb
The position of Jupiter says
C
that you should spend the
F
C
F
C
rest of the week face down in the mud
Bb
C
Try not to shove a roll of duct
tape up your nose while
F
G
taking your driver's test
Verse 8
G
LEO!
C
Bb
F
Bb
Now is not a good time to
C
photocopy your butt and
F
C
staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Bb
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding,
G
C
strawberry Quik
Verse 9
Bb
VIRGO!
C
All Virgos are extremely friendly
Bb
Expect a big surprise today
G
C
your head impaled upon a stick
Verse 10
Dm
That's your horoscope for
Em
F
C
Gsus4
today
G
That's your horoscope for
C
Am
G
C
today
Dm
That's your horoscope for
Em
F
C
Gsus4
today
That's your horoscope
C
Am
G
Verse 11
F
Now you may find it incon
G
Em
ceivable or at the very least
F
a bit unlikely that the relative
position of the planets
and the stars could have a spe
G
cial deep significance or
C
meaning that exclusively ap
Am
G
plies to only you, but let
F
me give you my assurance that
Em
predictions are all based on solid,
evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of
G
C
moron not to realize that every
single one of them is
Verse 12
C
LIBRA!
Bb
A big promotion is just around
F
C
much more talented than you
Bb
Laughter is the very best medicine,
F
when your appendix burst
Verse 13
C
SCORPIO!
Bb
Get ready for an unexpected
F
C
screaming from an open window
Bb
Work a little bit harder on improving your
C
F
G
low self esteem, you stupid freak
Verse 14
G
C
SAGITTARIUS!
Bb
All your friends are laughing
C
F
behind your back...
Bb
Take down all those naked
C
pictures of Ernest Borgnine
F
G
you've got hanging in
Verse 15
your den
C
CAPRICORN!
Bb
The stars say that you're an
F
C
person... but you know they're lying
Bb
If I were you, I'd lock my doors
never never never never leave
my house again
Verse 16
Dm
Em
F
Gsus4
That's your
G
C
Am
G
horoscope for today
C
Dm
That's your horoscope
Em
F
C
for today
Gsus4
C
Gsus4
G
C
Am
G
C
That's your
Em
F
Gsus4
for today
G
C
Am
G
C
Dm
That's your horoscope for
Outro 1
today
Em
F
Gsus4
G
C
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